The Little Black Cloud

Depression. It’s like quietly standing in the eye of the storm whilst watching your roof get blown off your house. It’s the understanding of what’s going on around you but the inability to actually move or respond. Depression doesn’t hit you all at once and it’s true that it comes and goes in waves but it’s the manifestation that sits deep in your chest waiting to break free. It’s the slightest change in moods, behaviours and thoughts that then all plummet into one uncontrollable feeling of nothingness. Well, that’s what depression felt like to me. It was the feeling of fighting for air, pushing as hard as I could just for just one breath, trying to feel something but at the same time wanting to drown, wanting the numbness and complete silence that accompanies the woes of feeling ‘sad’ and ‘unhappy’. Those two words use to irritate me to no end because it wasn’t just a state of being sad and unhappy because I could be happy and cheerful, I was content to continue to live in the state of mind. Depression is more than just feeling sad, it’s an overpowering sense of I don’t care and I care too much, it’s the sick mixture of I can see everyone happy around me and yet for no reason at all I can’t feel that too. It’s the pain of waking up in the morning feeling emptiness and going to bed feeling the exact same way, it’s the way that you have to go about your day like nothing is wrong and even though there is so much awareness and acceptance these days about depression, to someone who is depressed it feels like there is an unspoken rule that you mustn’t disturb other people’s lives with the problems you are facing. You are held captive in a fortress of your own creation, stuck in the constant battle of your mind, not knowing what the next move should be.

In my own battle with depression, the common factor was denial. I was in such denial that this illness was affecting me because I had learnt about it for years and knew all the warning signs. The major reason as to why depression was a denial topic for myself was because it stemmed from the anxiety that had been crippling my mind and soul severely for months. I told myself with a strong conviction that I WAS NOT suffering from 2 mental illnesses, I wouldn’t let that happen, I would not go through that. Little did I understand at the time, I was going through that, I was living with 2 mental illnesses and only letting one of them be treated. The trick I learnt later on was that they needed to be treated hand in hand together to achieve optimum results. So the treatment began, I was already seeing a psychologist for the anxiety but the depression was getting out of hand, resulting in taking other measures besides cognitive behavioural therapy. Yes, that’s right, anti-depressants, the dirty word that no one wanted to say, that no one wanted me to take. Imagine living a life were you already felt dirty and judged and the only thing left to help you was something that was ‘dirty’ and highly frowned upon. After reading a post on Facebook about how depression sucks because you want to be good, you want to be healthy but there are chemicals in your brain that just don’t want to help you attain those feelings, I decided that I won’t be ashamed of taking an anti-depressant. Why? because it’s the same as taking a cold and flu tablet when you are sick, I was just assisting the chemicals in my brain to mend themselves. However, the problem I faced when taking anti-depressants is that it took my personality away and replaced it with an overly happy persona that I no longer recognised as myself. Being the stubborn, strong willed person I am, I decided to take myself off the tablets when I thought I was fine, believing that I didn’t need to finish the course because now I was better and invincible. That’s the horrible truth when you live with anxiety and depression, when you feel fine for a week or two or you don’t have a panic attack for a few weeks, you start to believe you are better. This gives hope and hope breeds a false sense of peace and tranquillity, a false sense of being better again. Like all tragic stories, I fell off the wagon again, believing I was fine again, in complete denial again. The only plausible thing to do then was to revert back to all the aid techniques used beforehand. The scariest thing about the depression and anxiety this time was that I couldn’t see it yet everyone else could. This time it was full force denial, crying on the floor, screaming in the shower and dying on the inside but I still thought I was fine. The worst feeling you will ever experience is watching your mother cry in distress to a doctor because she doesn’t know what to do to help you anymore and feeling absolutely nothing, no rise in my heart rate, no lump in my chest, no burning in my throat and no tears in my eyes. That’s when I knew I definitely needed help again.

The stigma and ill feelings towards depression and anxiety are frightening and almost body paralysing. The whole ordeal is scary and numbing, sometimes it feels like what people are saying is all just rubbish and they are droning on about things that don’t relate to your situation. All I can say is talk to someone because the truth will set you free and when you know the truth it’s like coming up for a breath of fresh air, full of peace and tranquility, no longer drowning in sorrows of numbness and loneliness. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to talk to someone and seek help and never feel guilty for treating yourself with medication so that you can be better, just never self-medicate or fabricate what you are going through. Talking from the other side, someone who is recovering and still working on their depression and anxiety, never feel like you are alone or that no one cares because your parents care, your friends care, your teachers care, your doctor’s care. There is sunshine and rainbows at the end of this and yes it’s something you’ll always have to be cautious of but you will pull through and let me tell you when you can laugh and smile from pure happiness again, it will be a glorious day.

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If you are feeling any of the above emotions or you just wish to speak to someone outside of your family and friend groups, the following links will guide you to safe places where there is no judgement and the people are very willing to listen and help:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au

http://www.mindaustralia.org.au/

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/

http://headspace.org.au/

https://www.lifeline.org.au/

https://mhaustralia.org/tags/ngo